Overview (My Notes & Thoughts)
Incredible self-improvement handbook for men leading directly to one of the ultimate goals; success with women.
- Succinct, to the point.
- Focuses on long term strategies and change. Does not gloss over the importance of Honest Living, genuinely having the lifestyle to back up the attractiveness that you want to convey.
- Skips most of the tactics (dating apps, pickup lines, hacks, etc). Focuses on being a genuinely attractive person. You could apply most of the strategies to non-sexual relationships and still see a significant life improvement.
- Provides a very pragmatic look at the differences between men and women and how best to fit into that roleplay. Does not disrespect women.
- Non Neediness
- Power in Vulnerability
- The Gift of Truth
- 3 Fundamentals
3. Honest Living
- Lifestyle or Presentation
4. Honest Action
- What are your stories
- How to overcome anxiety
5. Honest Communication
- Your Intentions
- How to improve your flirting
- The dating process
- Physicality and sex
- Understand that attraction is based on non-neediness, which is built through vulnerability and one's honest expression of self.
- Rejection is fundamental to the entire process.
- Most women in the world will be INCOMPATIBLE due to friction, projection, or both. You cannot do anything about this.
1. Friction: Value differences or external circumstances that prevent attraction, or hinder it being acted on (e.g. physical location, boyfriend, religion).
2. Projection: past negative experiences with men projected onto your interactions. These cannot be easily overcome.
- Goal: to filter women as quickly as possible to separate women into the following groups:
1. Receptive and compatible: Polarize, attract, and convert.
2. Receptive and incompatible: Confirm incompatibility and move on.
3. Neutral: Polarize to receptive or unreceptive.
4. Unreceptive: Reject, or be rejected by and move on.
- Polarizing: Forcing others to evaluate you based on your actions and words.
- Do this by making decisions, having opinions and standing by them
- The more polarizing a man is, the more they are flooded with opportunities with women.
- We attract by being honest in three fundamental ways:
1. Lifestyle: Living a life based on expression of our values.
2. Boldness: Being comfortable with our intentions.
3. Communication: Expressing our sexuality freely.
- Women can be categorized into three groups:
1. Unreceptive: Identify quickly and move on.
2. Neutral: Polarize and force them to become Receptive or Unreceptive by making a decision about you.
3. Receptive: Escalate quickly.
3. Honest Living
- Demographics: Like attracts like. You attract what you are. Therefore, to meet women with low friction, expand your interests and pursue them. Select your demographics carefully to obtain maximum results and satisfaction:
1. Recognize your personal interests and strengths.
2. Build upon those personal interests and strengths to attract women in your preferred demographic.
- Lifestyle and appearance is extremely important and reduces the level of "game" that you need in order to attract women.
1. Fitness: Work out and eat healthy.
2. Fashion: Wear clothes that fit and match. Dress to your personality.
3. Body Language: Stand erect, walk the same way. Look people in the eye as you pass. Don't look at the ground.
4. Vocal Tonality: Speak from the chest, not the head.
5. Developing Character: How do you stand out from the 10 men next to you? What are your rough edges that people can’t find anywhere else?
4. Honest Action
- Understand that women want you to succeed. Your job as the man is to make it happen.
- Non-neediness means controlling your fear and acting in spite of it.
- The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. E.g. starting by asking women for the time and build up from there.
- "Always err on the side of assertiveness." Bolder action = More vulnerability = More polarization = More attraction
5. Honest Communication
- What matters more than words: Appearance, Anxiety, Intentions, and Communication.
- Creepiness will happen when trying to flirt, accept it.
- Easiest opening line: "Hi, I'm Myles. I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you."
- Conversation: Use stories, humor, "cold read" statements. Build emotional connection (by vulnerable sharing).
- Texting: Simple, clear, blunt. Aim to set up a date.
- Dates: Active, participatory, allow for touching. Aim for 10-11pm peak. String together multiple activities. Man leads and makes the decisions.
- Physicality & sex:
- Physicality is required to polarize and attract (through boldness).
- Women are turned on by being desired, and by surrendering control.
- Kissing: When in doubt, go for it 5 minutes ago.
- Always escalate slowly. Build expectation.
- Be dominant.
The Key to Attractivenes: Become Non-needy.
How to be attractive:
- Dare to express the truth and be honest (to yourself and others)
- Be Vulnerable
- Be Non-Needy
- Become Attractive
- A man's attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average.
- Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself. A needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by impressing and winning approval of others.
- Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others. A non-needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by embodying his own values and desires.
- The only permanent way to attract and date more women and more attractive women is to become more attractive yourself. And the way a man becomes more attractive himself is by investing in himself, in becoming less needy.
Biological Basis for Attractiveness and Selection Strategies
Behavior is a signal for attractiveness because possessions were less skewed than they are today.
- Back in the caveman days, there were no outdoor pools and tax returns. They didn’t have brand name sandals and expensive haircuts. At most, one man had a little bit more meat to share than the next guy.
- Biologically, women have a lot more to lose than men when it comes to sex. As a result, they’ve had incentives to (usually) be pickier in choosing their sexual partners.
- Men, on the other hand, have historically had fewer repercussions for promiscuity and from a biological point of view, even gain some advantages by being promiscuous. Whether it’s biological or cultural or some mixture of both, the fact is that female sexual attraction is based largely in feeling comfortable and secure with the man she meets.
- Women have evolved a sexuality that is more psychological than physical, and that psychological need is rooted in the need for security and connection.
Vulnerability and Truth
Vulnerability is honesty to yourself and others. Vulnerability represents power, conviction, and the ability to take risk:
- A man who's able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, "Screw the repercussions. This is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else."
- As psychologist Robert Glover once said, "Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges."
How to be vulnerable:
- Establish your own boundaries. Learn to say no to people, particularly women.
- Have opinions on what you like and don't like, what you'll tolerate and what you won't.
- Be painfully honest to yourself and her.
Vulnerability polarizes and attracts women who are attracted to what you stand for, and forces the rest to reject you quickly so you can move on:
- Our job is not to attract every woman, but to screen for women with a high potential of being attracted to who we really are.
- Rejection exists for a reason — it's a means to keep people apart who are not good for each other.
Friction and Projection
Two factors that prevent attracted women from being with you:
- Friction is when a woman finds you to be an attractive man, but there are value differences or external circumstances that prevent her from acting on that attraction or being interested in you.
- You live in different cities.
- She's a devout Christian, you're a muslim.
- She works 6 days a week and has an active social life.
- She is married.
- Projection: Women who are afraid of their own sexuality and or openly sexual men. They harbor trust issues and resentment with men. Usually, this is because they have a history of some sort of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and or they’ve experienced a long string of disappointments with the men in their life. They will project these learned experiences onto you and your behaviors.
There will always be some element of friction, compatibility will never be 100%. Projection is more dangerous. Women who project past negative experiences are needy and will find themselves with needy men. Avoid women with projection issues.
Other Misc Reality
Emotions are the key to seduction:
- Emerson once wrote, "What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say." Seduction is the interplay of emotions. Your movement, or lack of movement reflects and alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side effect. Sex is the side effect. The game is emotions, emotions through movement.
We can't try to attract everyone:
- With most of the women you meet, things are simply not going to work no matter what you do or say. This is to be expected. And this is fine. You are going to be incompatible with most of the women in the world and to hold any hopes of being highly compatible with most is an illusion of grandeur and a figment of your own narcissistic tendency.
- The world is what it is, it's our job to simply present ourselves as boldly and clearly to it as possible, accept the reactions and move on the opportunities. Any attempt to control the reactions of others or take some kind of power over the reactions you receive is both foolish and illusory.
Narcissism works in the short term as it appears to share some of the same characteristics as vulnerability. But in the long term, it falls apart. Narcissistic behaviors are needy behaviors as they represent the inability to acknowledge or respect the true value of women.
- Non-neediness means you respect yourself AND others. Narcissism means you only respect yourself. Neediness means you only respect others.
- Narcissistic men will polarize women quickly. Women will know more or less immediately if they’re interested in a narcissistic guy or not because he will be so overbearing and imposing she’ll have no choice other than to feel something for him. The problem with the narcissistic man is that the few women who become receptive to him are not the type of women who are pleasant to be around (as they’re highly needy themselves).
Women can be Unreceptive, Neutral or Receptive. We must polarize them to confirm which camp they are in and move them to Receptive or Unreceptive.
1. Unreceptive: Not Interested
- Does not show signs of interest or ignores your signs of interest.
- Makes excuses to not meet or does not respond.
- "If you have to ask, then that’s your answer."
- Still unsure? Polarize: "I think you’re cute / pretty / attractive / funny / whatever, want to grab coffee / dinner / a drink sometime?"
- Goal: Identify quickly and politely move on to others.
- Your effort is better spent elsewhere.
2. Neutral (undecided)
- Women in this category are usually women who you've just met or have only spent a little bit of time with. The important thing to know is that women do not ever stay in this category. They eventually polarize one way or the other.
- Goal: Move them out of Neutral as fast as possible, move them to Receptive or Unreceptive.
- Use a "game": Polarize. Flirt, ask them out, and show sexual interest.
- Take action that forces her to decide how she feels about you.
- If you never make an advance or show interest in them, then they will usually polarize towards being Unreceptive.
3. Receptive (already interested)
- Signs: Strong eye contact, body touching, she approaches you, etc.
- Other strong sign: They reciprocate your advances (returns touching, actively suggests date activities or locations, etc.)
- If "pickup ability" is not developed, many previous relationships may have been from already receptive women.
- Most women, particularly beautiful women, will never initiate.
- Goal: escalate quickly.
The percentage of women that you meet in each category will vary widely from man to man and also vary widely depending on the context in which you meet women. Are you in your target demographic? Are you non-needy?
- The percentage of women who are Receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks.
- The percentage of women that you're able to move from Neutral to Receptive will be proportional to how good your "game" is, or how well you're able to communicate and express yourself with women.
- And your ability to sort through each type of women and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women
- You cannot be an attractive and life-changing presence to some women without being a joke or an embarrassment to others. You have to be controversial. You have to polarize.
- Everything that is attractive is polarizing. These are never wrong moves, assuming that they are honest expressions of yourself and you are showing your vulnerability.
- The more polarizing a man is, the more they are flooded with opportunities with women.
The biggest hurdle to polarization: Rejection. However, rejection is a necessary part of this process.
Theory: Like attracts like. You attract what you are. Therefore to meet women with low friction, expand your interests and pursue them. Select your demographics carefully to obtain maximum results and satisfaction:
- Recognize your personal interests and strengths.
- Build upon those personal interests and strengths to quickly attract women in your preferred demographic.
- Social proof only functions within a demographic itself. That's why once you've narrowed down your demographic, you want to cultivate your connections and put yourself into as big of a leadership position as possible. Don't just join the intramural ultimate Frisbee team, start organizing it.
- Part of living the honest lifestyle is to pursue what you're passionate about to the fullest extent.
- Misaligned demographics = friction.
- Prioritize what you value most in a woman: Honesty? Beauty? Affection? Intelligence? Curiosity? Similar interests? Education? List any deal breakers.
- Identify where women with those traits are likely to be found.
- What do you enjoy doing the most? Reading or writing? Music? Sports? Identify events or organizations where you can explore these interests. Also, identify activities you would like to do but have never -- make a promise to yourself to start.
Lifestyle & Presentation
- Appearance is extremely important. Your outward appearance is a reflection of your self-investment (or lack thereof).
1. Wear clothes that fit.
2. Wear clothes that match.
- Your belt should match your shoes and or your accessories.
- If you’re wearing dress pants, your socks should match your pants. If you’re wearing jeans, your socks should match your shoes.
- Your accessories must be all gold or all silver.
- Buy "black set" & "brown set" (shoes, belt, jacket), a few jeans, some shirts.
3. Dress to your personality.
- Body language
- 60% of all communication.
- Erect posture.
- As you walk down the street, remember: shoulders back, chin up, eyes straight, feet straight, shoulders swagger, arms swing. Always look straight ahead. Don’t ever look down at the ground unless you think you’re about to trip.
- Look people in the eye as they walk by — particularly attractive girls. You'll catch people making eye contact with you. You'll feel the urge to look away. Don’t. Always make other people break eye contact with you before you break it with them. Do it for a week straight and it becomes a habit.
- Vocal tonality
- Speak from the chest not from the nose (lower the pitch, feel the hum in the chest not the head).
- Speak lower.
- Speak louder.
- An attractive man with depth and character is a man who has opinions and openly expresses those opinions.
- Expand your horizons and make decisions about what you like and don't like, and why.
- Ask yourself this: If you were lined up next to 10 random, single men from your town, what would make you stand out from them? Imagine a woman met all 10 of you in a row. What is it about you that would stop her dead in her tracks and make her say, "Wow, this man is unique." What do you have that they don’t ? What can you offer that most other men can’t? What are your rough edges that people can’t find anywhere else?
Important mindset shift. What women are really thinking:
- They're begging for you to succeed. They want it just as bad as you do. That women at the party, in the coffee shop, on the dating site, they want you to be that unbelievably attractive man, that man who makes time stop for them and can make them feel things they've never felt before. They want you to be that.
- That's what she goes out looking for; the man who can make her feel more alive. The next time you make your move, when she sees you coming — and trust me, she usually sees you coming — know that she's already rooting for you. Secretly, she wants you to succeed as much as you do. And for a moment, she's your biggest fan. And your role as a man is to take action.
- The proper way to handle your fear and your anxiety is to accept it. You have to recognize that it’s normal and a part of who you are, and to not even try to hide it from the woman you're meeting.
- A lot of people assume non-neediness means being fearless. But non-neediness simply means to feel the fear and not let it stop you.
- The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. Not single, extreme exposure. E.g. starting by asking women for the time.
- "Always err on the side of assertiveness." Bolder action = More vulnerability = More polarization = More attraction.
- What you actually talk about has far less influence on your results than your intentions.
- Needy man: Intentions are seeking validation and approval
- Non-needy man: Intentions are vulnerability and free expression
- Creepiness: behaving in a way that makes a woman feel insecure sexually. Or, expressing intentions that are unwanted.
- Accept that this will happen sometimes
- Flirting and sexual tension. Expressing your sexuality in a way that makes a woman feel sexually secure or express intentions that are wanted.
- Break rapport to generate sexual tension.
- The uncertainty of potential sexual possibilities: Is he interested in me? Does he want to kiss me? Etc.
- Developing an emotional connection:
- Be aware of your own emotions, motivations and life story.
- Share them pro-actively (building trust and encouraging her to share her own).
Improving Your Flirting
- The exact words you say are far less important than:
- Your presentation and appearance.
- Level of anxiety.
- Your intentions and ability to communicate them clearly.
- Easiest and simple:
- "I'm Myles. I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you."
- "Excuse me, I know this is kind of random. But I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you. My name's Myles..."
- Do not approach from behind. Do not scare them. Do not linger. See, decide, approach.
- Use less words: eliminate ums, ahs, etc.
- Make "cold-read" statements instead of questions:
- "I love olives in my drink. When I was a kid I used to eat them straight out of the jars" vs "Do you like olives in your drink?"
- "You guys look like you’ve been friends for a long time." vs. "How do you guys know each other?"
- Never underestimate the power of non-sequiturs and changing the topic.
- Endless conversation topics: Use previous sentences as building blocks for multiple jumping off points into each of the individual elements.
- "I go to Harvard right now. But I want to move back out west. The weather’s too cold up here."
- Storytelling: Setup / Conflict / Resolution
Exercise: Take out a sheet of paper and write down three things for each of the following. For each, talk about it to yourself for one minute. Try to be as detailed and honest as possible.
- Your passions and favorite things to do.
- Your dreams, ambitions, and life goals.
- The best or worst things that have happened to you.
- Your childhood, family life, and upbringing.
- Humor: The art of drawing connections between two seemingly unrelated ideas or objects. Humor is a creative activity and, therefore, will greatly be tied to your ability to uninhibitedly express yourself.
- Humor is only useful if used in conjunction with leading her in a dominant manner and pushing things physically with her. Ultimately, you aren’t ever really attracting a woman unless you’re connecting with her physically and emotionally.
The Dating Process
- Phone calls no longer necessary
- Purpose: To organize when she and I are going to see each other next. Use clear, blunt language. Don't get fancy.
- "Hey Mary, it was nice meeting you tonight." Do this within 24 hours.
- Wait one day, reference previous conversation if possible to maintain continuity. Judge warmth and receptivity to estimate chance of flake.
- Me (next day): "Hey Natalie, how was the rest of your night?"
- Her: "Great. We were tired and went back a bit early though."
- Me: "Good. Are you free tomorrow evening? Let’s meet up for a drink."
- Do nighttime. Don't do lunch or afternoon. Don't do movies. Avoid dinner if possible.
- Aim to peak together at around 10 PM or 11 PM and she has the, “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet,” feeling.
- Good locations: Active, participatory, allows for touching and flirting.
> Comedy, dance classes, museums, walks in the park or plaza, concerts, getting a drink.
> Logistics: Close to her place or your place.
- String together multiple activities to create dynamism and change.
> Bowling > Drinks > Walking in park
> Get Coffee > Ice cream > Shopping at bookstore
> Park > dinner > drink in bar
- How to behave
- You lead and make the decisions. Do not ask "what do you want to do now?".
- Drive conversation deeper, emotional, and more personal.
- Pay, unless she asks.
Physicality and Sex
- Female arousal is narcissistic and psychological. Women are turned on by being wanted, by being desired, and by surrendering control.
- Being physical with women is by far the most integral piece of seduction and dating women.
1. Polarizes. She must decide whether to be receptive or not.
2. Shows boldness and is therefore attractive as flirting.
- Start with light touches on the outside of the body (arm, shoulder, outside of legs).
- Receptive signals (signs she's interested).
- Pre-conversation. Deliberate eye contact, smiling, she approaches, conspicuous proximity, she wants you to talk to her.
- Conversation. Smiling / laughing. Flipping hair. Dilated eyes.
- Escalation: Isolates herself ("let's go outside"). Touching.
- Kissing: Anytime you think you could kiss her, you probably already could have. So the rule of thumb is, when in doubt, go for it.
- If she pulls back, ask her how she's feeling. Are you moving too fast? Listen to the answer.
- Women will often say they don't want to actually have sex. Answer: "That's fine, we'll do whatever you're comfortable with."
- Remember to tease and escalate slowly. Build expectation. E.g. kissing inside of thighs before oral sex.
- Important: Be dominant.
> Make noise, breathe hard.
> Talk dirty: Tell her she's sexy, tell her what you're going to do.
> Be physical: Spank her, grab her hair, hold her down, pick her up when changing positions.
> Don't ask "Is this ok?", don't defer and take control.
- Talk and be expressive. “They make it look so easy in the movies.”
- After sex:
Once you’ve reached this point, you’ve reached the point of maximum vulnerability with one person. Typically, women become more invested after sex and men become less invested after sex. The power dynamic in most couples will switch at this point. The power of choice that the woman had (whether to have sex or not) now usually switches over to the man (whether to commit or not). If this power dynamic doesn't switch, it's usually a sign of neediness in the man, and the attraction will not last.
Closing - Game Plan
Level 1: Foundation (Complete 5 of 5)
- Join a gym.
- Upgrade your wardrobe.
- Get a nice haircut.
- Get job security / satisfaction.
- Pursue one social hobby regularly.
Level 2: Meeting Women (Complete 4 of 5)
- Figure out demographics.
- Meet 5 women in 1 day.
- Meet 20 women in 1 week.
- Join an online dating site and email 10 women.
- Sign up for a single's speed dating even.
Level 3: Getting to know Women (Complete 2 of 3)
- Hold at least three 30 minute conversations with women you just met (anywhere).
- Get phone numbers from women you just met at least three times.
- Go on two dates.
Level 4: Getting Intimate (Complete 2 of 3)
- Kiss two women (that you met after reading this book).
- Go on a second date with the same woman.
- Get a woman back to your place (usually possible on second date).
Level 5: Getting Sexual (Complete 2 of 2)
- Have sex with a new woman.
- Go on three first dates with new women.
Level 6: Mack Daddy (Optional)
- Have sex with a woman you met that day/night (easier from bar/nightclub).
- Have sex with a woman on the first date.
- Kiss three women the day/night you first meet them.
Other Interesting Misc
On "hot" club girls:
- The only thing that seems to attract men to them is the fact that they look like women they see on TV and movies and in porn. There’s nothing genuinely enticing about them other than that they are seen as a status symbol. And chasing them was borne out of neediness, not genuine honesty. It took me a couple years, but I eventually realized that I was chasing a status symbol, a pat on the back, basically reliving and redeeming all of my failed high school moments where the pretty girls didn't pay attention to me.
On women who cheat:
- Women who have boyfriends or husbands who are willing to cheat on them, don't bring up their boyfriends or husbands... almost ever.
- Typically, you'll hear about them either immediately before or immediately after you hook up with them.
- If they tell you about them right when you meet them, then they're not interested.
- If they tell you about their boyfriend while they’re making out with you in the cab back to your apartment, then she's probably interested. But you don't need me to tell you that.
The dating process:
- Culturally ingrained. Understand how it works. Rarely deviates.
- Boy meets girl, asks girl on date, corresponds with girl, sets up date with girl, corresponds with girl, sets up second date with girl, repeat until eventually you bring girl home with you, and then decide on level of commitment.